Mirror
by ever6
Summary: Marissa's POV after The Girlfriend.


~Mirror~  
  
Marissa turned away from Ryan, unlocked the door and went in without looking back. Walking down the hall, she suddenly turned around and retraced her steps. She hoped if she opened the door, he would still be standing there. Deciding she couldn't look at him after all, she stood there with both hands on the door, eyes closed, wishing she could find one emotion and stick with it for longer than 2 minutes. Tears slid down her cheeks, hot and fast, but she refused to give in and sob out loud. She forced the tears to stop. If she didn't cry, then things were ok. She had control of this. This theory had worked for her many times lately. She had not cried when she'd found her father sobbing, his head buried in his arms on his desk in the study, clutching a family picture. She'd just backed quietly out of the doorway, and continued down the hall. She had not cried when she'd overheard her mom on the phone, telling someone "of course she was considering a divorce, Jimmy had ruined their lives and their reputation. He might be going to jail. What would everyone think?" She just kept going through the room, like she hadn't heard anything, and of course her self-obsessed mother hadn't even noticed her.  
  
Marissa was in control.  
  
On her way to her room, a glance through a window showed her Ryan, head down with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets, making his way slowly back home. Hot tears threatened again, so she pushed the heels of her hands against her eyes until it passed. OK. I'm OK. After shoving open the bedroom door, she walked directly to the mirror and looked at the girl reflected back, despising her.  
  
Tonight she had hoped that going to the party with Luke would fix things, make them the way they were before. Luke loved her. She knew exactly what to expect from their relationship, it been going on for so long. She didn't really know how to NOT be with Luke. At one time, she had thought that if he would stop being the typical "jock", harassing the geeks and anyone else he thought deserved it, he would be the perfect guy. The perfect boyfriend. After a while, she had given up on that. Luke was Luke, and she wasn't friendly with most of the people he picked on anyway. Marissa shook her head, amazed at how bad that sounded. It wasn't that she was ok with it, at all; it was just that Luke's vicious attitude had never really affected her until she became friends with Seth and his new "brother". And what could she do about it anyway? OK. It still sounded bad. But then Luke got shot, and since then he'd been acting like a different person. So - positive. He had thanked Ryan here the other day, and had shocked Seth with a handshake tonight. So. Now he was the perfect boyfriend. Like she'd always wanted. Right? Summer had asked her what she was waiting for, regarding sex. She and Luke had come close a few times, but she'd never felt ready. It never felt right. Tonight, in Ryan's house, ironically enough, she had faced the fact that Luke wasn't "the one", as stupid as that sounded. It became suddenly clear to her, like she had been standing still for so long, facing only forward, and stepping out finally and turning to look, she could see what had been going on around and behind her. Pressure from her Mother and her friends, the familiarity of it, the need to keep everything normal and everyone else happy, had kept her with Luke. Not love. Since Ryan had come to Newport, she had started wondering if there wasn't something different out there for her. She had tried to put those thoughts away, like her Mother told her, but they had just gotten stronger. Tonight she had decided it was time to do something about it.  
  
She laughed bitterly at herself in the mirror. What a revelation.  
  
As she'd made her way to the pool house, she'd pictured Ryan giving her his usual noncommittal "hey", with only his eyes saying how glad he was to see her. She wanted to apologize for being so indecisive, for not being strong enough to say he was all she wanted until now. She'd hoped she could make him smile the way he had the night he'd made her dinner, and they'd played in the pool. He didn't smile nearly enough. She'd imagined him kissing her, finally. She'd thought they could talk, and then she would find Luke and tell him it was over between them.  
  
God, she was so stupid.  
  
She'd opened the door, and there was Ryan, writhing under an obviously experienced, beautiful blonde with the top of her dress down around her waist, turning his face from her kiss to stare in shock. Frozen, the party going on around her had faded, and all rational thought had been replaced by white-hot pain in her chest. She'd forced herself to look away, stammered out a "Sorry" or something, shut the door and ran straight to Luke. When they'd gotten to his house, she had surprised him with her aggressiveness. Couldn't he tell she was angry and hurt? He really didn't know her at all, did he? Not after all these years. Or maybe he sensed her mood, but just didn't care, since he looked like a kid forbidden candy set loose in a Nestle warehouse. She'd tried to overload her brain and erase images of Ryan with the sensations Luke's body and hands made her feel. She'd pushed him further than they'd ever been, until he finally asked, then inwardly gritting her teeth; she'd spread her legs and let him in. The pain had made her gasp, eyes wide with shock. She'd struggled, trying to get free from his crushing weight, but oblivious to all but his own pleasure, he'd taken her movements as passion. She'd given up, still in pain, squeezing her eyes shut to block the sight of him. The image of Ryan was still there.  
  
Hot tears trickled down her face. Her hand settled on the closest thing it could find and she threw it at herself in the mirror. The perfume bottle splintered with surprisingly little noise, and small pieces of it slid down in a trail of yellow liquid.  
  
She had thought it would be amazing, making her feel things she'd only dreamed of. Everyone said it did. She had even thought it might feel a little like sweet revenge. Instead it had been like a quiet death, drawn out over 8 minutes. When it was over, once again she hadn't let herself cry. She didn't deserve that luxury. When he kissed her in the truck, and told her he loved her, she felt completely dead inside. She hadn't expected to look up and see Ryan standing there. His eyes, always so easy to read, were saying a hundred things, mostly "I'm sorry" and "are you all right?" The warmth and concern she saw there opened a flood gate inside her, filling the emptiness with emotions, sending fresh tears to her eyes, and she could not bear to look at him any longer. Right now everything seemed like his fault, even though she knew that wasn't entirely true.  
  
Marissa looked up into the mirror and watched that girl tremble from the effort of holding back. She felt dizzy, and stumbled to her bed to lie down. Curling up into a ball, she pictured Ryan again, standing in the driveway, blue eyes full of emotion. Her control vanished, and her body shook with the force of her tears.  
  
Please help me out and review. I'm pretty new at his and would love pointers and feedback. Yay or nay, it's all good with me. Thanks. 


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